"Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything, and everybody believed in you." -Taylor Swift
My mom doesn't even sign presents from Santa anymore. Most of the stuff I get I've either specifically asked for on my wishlist, or I've picked out myself. There's no magic anymore, no surprises. That's not to say I don't like what I get. I love all the presents I get, because they're exactly what I've asked for.
For example this year I got a drawing tablet:
It's amazing, and just what I wanted and needed, but there's no magic when it's something you've picked out. Most of my gifts made me happy and sad at the same time. The gift that did this the most was the 8 film collection of Harry Potter. It was like holding all the movies in my hand mad the end really real. So much of my childhood revolved around Harry Potter, and now there would be no more books, no more movies. I'm such a kid at heart, and to see my 18th birthday looming upon me so quickly scares me.
But just because I'm not a part of the magic anymore, does not mean it no longer exists. I can still see it. In the lights that decorate houses...
|(all photos taken by me)|
In the way children's eyes light up. It's still there. I guess you can say this was a bitter sweet Christmas for me.
I saw life and vitality, but I also saw nothingness. These two things were seen in the two places I visited this Christmas. The first visit was to my Grandma. She is 90 years old, and lives in a nursing home. She's not doing well. She has extreme Alzheimer's, and often times doesn't even recognize me. It's really horrible to watch someone dying from the inside out. You smile when you're around them, but on the inside you're crying. We keep saying that this is her last year, but she keeps holding on. She's too afraid of dying. I don't think she believes in anything anymore.
After this sad encounter we took a 1 hour car ride to the Christmas party we go to every year. This year it was hosted by the son of the people who normally host it. He's all grown up now, and has 3 children. The oldest one, Maya is 7, and then there are the twins Layla and Noah who are 3. Their vitality was in such contrast to my Grandmother. They definitely lifted my spirits. Somehow by the end of the night I became Maya's best friend. We were playing a game, and in the middle of it she came over to me very sweetly and said "I don't want to hurt you feelings. but I'm not playing anymore." It was so cute, especially since she hadn't really been playing in the first place. We were just on the same "team". Which was just me making the moves, and her watching.
So I guess the night ended well. By then end I was smiling from the inside out. So even if I'm not a part of the magic anymore, I think I'll be okay. Because I can still see it. I can find it in the smallest places and help it shine through all the bad.